I tot

miss home, miss my family, my little cookie, my friends, my everythings in Malaysia..

is sound weird to start my blog like this, but this is exactly wat i feeling inside my heart. Yea i admit i hv bit moody after i video call with Eva. Moody not because the matter between us, but future, but homesick.

i feel lost and uncertainly for my own future, i dunno wat i'm goin to b and wat i'm goin to do in my future. Part of the reason coz the unstable of malaysia, in politic and economy. I'm not aware how serious was it until Eva told me in the video call, and this make me recall the called with my family, i juz thinkin bout how to ask my dad to sponsor me for my backpack, but i din care bout my dad affort to or not. Feel bad and guilty that i'm not care my family enough.

dad is not young anymore, he's stubborn even he's not really healthy, i know i should trust my dad as he told me he's alright and he'll support watever i want to do, and coz the pamper from my dad, i'm not thinkin from his side and do decision by juz thinkin for myself.

i know dad is not health, he's suffering the treatment once a week and struggling to work hard for my family, and pay for the daughter in oversea. feel like burden my dad a lot, and i dunno wat to do.. I know u guyz must scold me again tat i think too much, but i cant control myself to feel guilty and miss my dad, if u guyz r really understand me, u guyz will know how my dad is important n means to me. I'm dilemma in making decision, whether to chasing my dream or goin back to m'sia, earn money and ease my dad's burden.

Worrying bout my future, worrying bout my dad, homesick and feel stress. These make me dropping my tears right now. Am fine i juz feel.. dunno wat to do.. too many things stuck in my heart and i hv no way to release. Tear drops don't mean sad sometime, it can mean lone and helpless too. I think this is wat i feeling now.

i dunno wat i'm goin to be, i even dun hv the passion to achieve my dream although i'm so near with it.

Wasn't journalist is my ambition since i'm born?

how come i feel tat's not wat i want now?

Wasn't backpacking is my dream all these years?

how come i feel hard to leave?

i miss my childhood, tat talking bout my dream with my cousin and friends.

i told them i'm goin to b journalist,

i'm goin to reveal the truth,

i'm goin to use my pen to helps the weak,

i'm goin to let my dad proud for me.

i told them i'm goin to b backpacker,

i'm goin to experiences the other cultures,

i'm goin to fly far away from malaysia,

i'm always tot, i'm not deserve in m'sia only.

yet i'm too confident on myself,

i tot i can, it's juz tot, it's not real. :)

i tot my effort will b seen soon, but it's actually not,

i tot i care n love my dad enough, but it's actually not,

i tot i'm independent and mature enought, but it's actually not,

always not, it's juz all i tot, i tot i'm, i tot i can. :)

:) Rachel, u r not as prefect as u tot.

Liverpool, UK

20080715, 0938pm

Rach in I tot mood.